Dear John … And John,

I was just watching Seinfeld on TBS and saw the latest Dunkin Donuts ad. What made you sell your song to them? I know you like coffee, but surely you think Dunkie’s coffee is overrated like I do. Don’t you? And besides, the donuts are dry and cakey and sit in your stomach like a rock.

Krispie Kreme may have been a better choice. Or if you really needed money, you coulda called me.