• swollen uvula
• tattoo
• computers internet blog
• peace symbols
• tiger tattoos
• tattoo pictures
• carol channing
• just giblets
• tiger stencils
• uvula

I’ve often wondered if anyone besides our unusual friends sees our blog. Any semi-serious citizen journalism cred that my talented and creative husband generates by posting insightful book reviews has got to have been neutralized quickly by my dorky video posts of children cussing.

I’m honored that Carol Channing fans have found us and that I’m spreading the word about harmless (but alarming) uvular edema. Heck, maybe even girly tiger tattoos may become the fashion. Who woulda thunk I’d write the most Google-worthy posts?

Those top ten are great, but get this. There are more awesome phrases farther down the list. Here’s a selection of unusual search phrases that have brought people to us this month more than once!

• pic of sudafed (I think the ban on over-the-counter sale is actually increasing interest in meth production.)
• scary images of of people
• medical wonders
• crazy lady (I can’t imagine who that would be?)
• swollen uvula anxiety (See? It’s really scary!)
• balla powder tingle (Okay, now I’ve gotta try it.)

And of course there a few gems in the one-hit list.

• sean connery red suspenders (Hot.)
• batwing pharmacy (This cracks me up, realizing why it’s indexed.)
• got giblets?
• how to make a shy girl open up (WTF?)
• are giblets good for you? (Need you ask?)
• hooters of dayton ohio (Never been. Don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it either.)
• abner i m closing the circle movie quote (I don’t know. But I think I want to see it.)
• i miss kitty (This makes me sad and I wish the visitor had emailed me.)
• sudafed pe makes me jittery
• ernest borgnine what he attributes to a long life (You know what it is, right? But I didn’t post about that. I posted about him farting on Ethel Merman.)
• men with large scrotums (Okay, that’s just eerie.)
• pain in the giblet doctor

All in all, I think we’re filling a much needed gap in the consumer health web, if not for many physical issues, for mental ones. Shoot. I think we need an award, actually.

First there was Vulva (totally not safe for work, but truly a must-see website.  Don’t skip the video) the original scent of a woman… and now we’ve got Bálla powder, on sale at, of all places, Amazon.com (you know, the online bookstore?)  This talc powder is designed to keep your scrotum silky-dry, smooth, and fresh-smelling.  Really.  Now I’m a fan of a dry, smooth, aromatic scortum as much as the next guy, but I’m not sure if a special powder is needed to do the job.  Here are a couple of excerpts from the product features list on its Amazon page:

• For “nether region” freshness
• Also great for sweaty buttocks, armpits and feet

Better yet, here’s the product description from Amazon:

Balla Powder for Men is the ideal anti-chafing and anti-wetness solution for clammy sacks. Guaranteed to prevent the dreaded “bat wing” syndrome, Balla Powder for Men is lightly scented with a masculine fragrance, for anyone else who plans to work in your close quarters. Can be sprinkled into your fudgies for all-day-long comfort and dryness. A fabulous post-workout treatment, Balla Powder for Men can also be used between your cheeks, as well as on fetid feet and aromatic armpits.

Tell me truly, do you spend a lot of time worrying about the dreaded “bat wing” syndrome?  And what’s the matter with good old baby powder if this is really an issue?  Of course, this product does come in original, fragrance free and “tingle” formula.  Hmmm.  Well, Scottie’s birthday is coming up in August, and I’ve been trying to think of something unique to get for him (and it’s only $15).  This just might do the trick.

But the one good thing about being a temporary bachelor is that I get to shop for groceries Michael would never eat. Here’s a partial list from my Sunday afternoon excursion:

Hostess Cupcakes, chocolate
TGI Fridays’ Cheddar and Bacon Potato Skins
Wonder Bread
American Cheese Slices, the orange kind
Turkey and Ham Hot Pockets, now with more meat
Fritos
Fritos Bean Dip
Ham and Swiss Lunchables
Turkey and American Lunchables, the orange kind
Totino’s Pepperoni Pizza Rolls, 90 count

“Um, he’s eight. But he’s only visiting for a few days. I just have to keep him happy till Thursday.”

Now, Michael can just up and quit. I don’t know how he does it. But I’m pretty physically attached to my nicotine so I knew I’d have to use some little aid. I’d had good success with the patch before. (Quit for four years. The four years before I met Michael!) But this time, I thought I should try one of the oral nicotine substitutions. I started off on the lozenge things called “Commit”. Yeah, they taste nasty and sort of burn your mouth a bit. And you’re not supposed to chew them or even swallow much of your spit or you’ll get stomach and throat ulcers. But that’s okay. The hard part was just getting the damn things to dissolve. They are supposed to dissolve in 20-30 minutes, but mine were taking upwards of 90 minutes to turn into a chalky mush that was hard not to swallow. You can’t eat or drink while it’s in your mouth or for 15 minutes before you start sucking. And you’re supposed to have at least nine a day for the first six weeks! That’s, what? Like 13.5 hours of sucking where you can’t even drink a glass of water. Add in over two hours of that 15-minute buffer time and I’m likely to dehydrate and starve to death in a couple days.

So, I switched to the patch and I’m doing pretty well. I still have a stash of the lozenges for the really strong cravings. I don’t think you’re supposed to use them and the patch together, but I’ve not had any palpitations yet.

When I started, though, I signed up for the GlaxoSmithKline Commited Quitters program that goes along with the little not-candy-they’re-medicine things. The idea is that this friendly drug company writes up a personalized quitting program for you based on this lengthy questionnaire you fill out. But really it just means I get emails like this every week.

Dear Scot,

It has been two weeks since your last cigarette. Have you noticed any changes in your breathing? You may be coughing up more phlegm now that your lungs are beginning to work better. This is normal. Your body is clearing itself out with every smokeless breath you take. How is your sense of taste? Is it improving?

You may also be feeling more comfortable as a nonsmoker. Are you finding new ways of socializing or dealing with stressful situations? Your withdrawal symptoms may be subsiding, but you still need to be aware of your triggers to smoke and use the strategies you have learned to manage them. Don’t forget to review your personalized program on the Committed Quitters® Web site for extra support.

Oh, it’s so encouraging. I love that phlegm bit. And my sense of taste. Yeah, the phlegm tastes great.

Wish me luck. And don’t ask me how it’s going or I’ll bite your head off. (Ha.)

CLARITINI

• 3 oz. cat hair and dust-infused vodka
• Several seasonal weeds
• Pollen

Rim chilled cocktail glass with pollen. Shake gin with ice and pour (do not strain) into glass. Garnish with weeds.

Update: This condition is known as “uvulitis”, “uvular edema”, or (my favorite) “Quincke’s disease of the uvula”.

Why did they do this? Apparently you can make speed out of Sudafed. Who knew? Well, if the feeling I get from Sudafed PE is any indication, I bet you can make some whopping illicit drug out of that too. (Meth PE, perhaps?)

I understand that the pseudoephedrine versions (Sudafed Classic, I think they should call it in homage to Coke) will still be available … but pharmacists will keep it behind the counter. Great. Just what I wanted. Everyone in my neighborhood will think I’m running a meth lab.