I’ve come up with my own version of Boyle’s Law that I think demonstrates the reality of kitty litter buying:

pV = k

In Boyle’s Law, p means pressure of a gas, V means the volume of the gas, and k is the constant representing the relationship. Of course, k can also represent the relative temperature, because if the pressure increases and the volume remains the same, the temperature goes up. So, in essence, k represents temperature.

But if you consider kitty litter, the inverse relationship between (temperature and (pressure or volume)) in gasses also applies to relationship between the (environmental friendliness and (smelliness or weight)) of kitty litter.

pV = k

p represents the smelliness (pee-yoo!) of the litter, V represents the weight of the litter, and k represents the environmental friendliness factor. So let’s examine some common litters.

Traditional Clay Litter

5 * 5 lbs. = 25 EFV

Clumping Clay Litter

4 * 4 lbs. = 16 EFV

Silicon Crystals

1 * 2 lbs. – 2 EFV

Pine Litter

3 * 2 lbs. = 6 EFV

Swheat Scoop

2 * 4 lbs. = 8 EFV

Of course, there are lots of crazy factors like “tracking,” “covering of poop,” and “frequency of scooping”, but this is my subjective analysis of the different options. In the end, I’m happy with Swheat Scoop and shall continue using it for the meantime. If you have thoughts about the subject or my formula, please leave a comment. Heck, leave a comment regardless.

Like everyone in the 1990′s, I switched my (now deceased) cat Kitty Carlisle from plain clay litter, which needs to be changed in its entirety on a periodic basis, to clumping litter, which can (and should) be cleaned of waste regularly so the litter that remains can be used for a longer period of time. That was fine, but even the “flushable” stuff isn’t really flushable and it’s heavy. I mean, it’s still clay, right?

Then, a couple years before I met Michael, I discovered crystals! Wow, is that stuff great! It’s light, meaning you can carry two bags of it under one arm and that can last you a month if you have two cats. Well, not with finicky Gertrudis, but still, it super effective. It’s incredibly absorbent too. You can’t smell a thing unless one of the kitties just took a big dump and didn’t even try to cover it. A couple problems, though. All litter gets tracked through the house. No matter what the package says, it’s going to get everywhere, but you learn to live with it. Still, little crumbly bits of silica are much more unpleasant to step on than bits of clay. They crackle under shoes leaving a fine dust like salt. And in bare feet — ouch. The biggest problem, though, is the environment. Silica is what glass is made of, in essence. That shit don’t degrade. After a while I started to imagine landfills full of Pampers and my cat’s used litter.

So, what’s a kitty-daddy to do? After Kitty died and we adopted 23-pound, one-eyed, lovable Parker, we switched to pine litter on the advice of our first-floor neighbor Karin and renowned cartoon/writing genius Lynda Barry. Yeah, it smelled okay. And it was light too, like the silica. And sure, it is biodegradable! (But trust me, it’s not good for the compost, no matter what Karin tells you.) But you know what? That shit don’t clump. I felt back to square one with litter. You have to dump it all every week. And when it gets tracked, it gets tracked.

Lately, we’ve been using a litter called Swheat Scoop. It’s made of wheat, so yay! It’s biodegradable. It’s still pretty heavy to carry, but it masks the smell of cat waste, as long as Parker covers his dinosaur turds. And yes, it tracks, but no worse than first-generation clumping litter and doesn’t crumple into dust like crystals. Still, I’m pretty unsatisfied.

Why am I unsatisfied, you ask? Because when a cat pees in wheat, what happens? It clumps, yes. But it clumps in the way flour does. In fact, when I clean out a dirty Swheat Scoop litter box, it has the smell of bread dough made with cat pee — cause, that’s what it is! And when those glutens start to strand, what do you end up with? A sticky glob of cat pee and grain stuck fast to the bottom of your cat box. I had to buy a metal scoop to replace the plastic one in order to dig all the glop out.

Therefore, my crazy idea for this week is to spray the bottom of the cat box with non-stick cooking spray. Specifically, I used Pam Professional. Think about it. When you make bread, what’s the first thing you do with the dough? You put it in an oiled bowl and put it in a warm place. So, if my cats are spraying warm liquid on raw glutenous grains, shouldn’t I coat the surrounding container?

I have no idea if this crazy idea will work. But exactly one week from today is trash day, so I’ll let you know!

Update: Here’s what I found out.

I think my geek status has lapsed! You’ve probably seen this already, but I totally missed the new beverage of choice for nerds: Brawndo, The Thirst Mutilator! I usually get Red Bull every week at the grocery, but apparently, I’m a totally wuss for buying the teeny cans of pee-yellow, slightly carbonated, “gives you wings” beverage. I need to upgrade to the lime-jello-colored, half-quart, ass-kicking, made with five kinds of sugar, manly-man drink!

Just look at their awesome ad campaign. You gotta love a drink that argues “Drink BRAWNDO and not WATER because WATER is from the TOILET!!!”

Okay, I just stole this link from the [title of show] blog, but I was so excited to find out that Pixie Stix have instructions on their proper use!

Why did they do this? Apparently you can make speed out of Sudafed. Who knew? Well, if the feeling I get from Sudafed PE is any indication, I bet you can make some whopping illicit drug out of that too. (Meth PE, perhaps?)

I understand that the pseudoephedrine versions (Sudafed Classic, I think they should call it in homage to Coke) will still be available … but pharmacists will keep it behind the counter. Great. Just what I wanted. Everyone in my neighborhood will think I’m running a meth lab.